Life advice!
What I've started telling students
I have been working at Mathias Corvinus Collegium in Budapest for a while now and I’ve begun to notice some differences between British and Hungarian students. Here’s one: only in Hungary have individuals or groups asked me directly for what boils down to ‘life advice’. I’ve lost count of the times I’ve been questioned about how to have an academic career, the best time to start a family, how to juggle work and children, how to write a book and even what values should shape a person’s priorities.
At first I was embarrassed by these questions. Mainly, this is because my life feels just as chaotic as everyone else’s (ok, often more chaotic than everyone else’s!) and the assumption that I might have words of wisdom to offer anyone seems either hilarious or terrifying depending upon my current mood. But I’m also reluctant to offer advice because I think there are no right answers to the questions I’m being asked.
I still think these things. But recently I’ve decided I need to get over my embarrassment and step up a little bit. After all, I am very definitely middle-aged now and despite the feeling of chaos, I have actually achieved a few things. I think young people in Britain are probably looking for guidance too, they just seek it out on YouTube or social media rather than in real interactions. And that’s a shame. Ultimately, I think older people have a responsibility to offer young people - at least, those who want it - some guidance.
I’m never going to be in a position to tell people what to have for breakfast or when to go to bed! But this is what I’ve recently begun saying in response to students’ questions. See if you agree!
There is no ‘right time’
Whether it’s getting married, having a baby, changing career, writing a book or beginning a PhD, there is no ‘right time’. In fact, if you wait until you have saved up enough money, lost weight, had a particular birthday, bought a house, had a holiday, or for any other life event to happen first, you will never do the thing you want. So perhaps there is a ‘right time’ after all - now!
Work hard
It might seem obvious that if you want to achieve anything you need to work hard. But we rarely define what this means in practice. I still smile when I remember one of my A-level students from many years ago complaining about a low mark I had given her essay. ‘But Miss,’ she moaned, ‘I worked really hard on that one, it took me two hours!’ That, I told her, was the problem. For me, working hard is not about a few emergency all-nighters ahead of a deadline but turning up consistently, day after day, year after year.
Have a direction rather than a plan
In my experience, the idea of a ten-year plan or even a ten-month plan is all a bit… Maoist. Even the most detailed plans go wrong. Life intervenes. Other people don’t do what you want them to do. And having to tear up plans makes you feel like a failure. But not having a plan is not the same as not having goals or a sense of purpose. Goals give you a direction and something to aim for but do not have to come with dates and deadlines.
Think about what’s important
A sense of direction is a personal thing. It derives from our values, beliefs and principles. It might be as practical as ‘earn some money’ or as lofty as a political, moral or religious cause. But I think what’s important is to think this through consciously. If we can’t say what’s important to us then we risk letting life just happen around us as we passively observe it, rather than exercising agency and changing the things we can control.
Think big but act small
Having a sense of what’s important and a direction rather than a plan are all well and good - but they are not much help when it comes to getting things done each day. For me, embarking upon writing a book, a thesis or starting any project is a bit overwhelming. Rather than thinking about the whole thing, I try only to ever think about one small part. So, I’m not writing a book, I’m writing a chapter. And I’m not even writing a chapter, I’m just writing a brief introduction, or putting together some notes, or pulling out some quotations from a book I’ve read. Doing just one small thing, and then, when it’s done, thinking about the next small thing to do, soon adds up to something more whole.
Finally, smile and be punctual!
Just try and be a nice person and assume other people are nice too! I don’t mean #BeKind in a yucky, woke kind of way that’s actually a veneer for petty cancelling. And neither do I mean instrumentally ‘be nice to people on the way up because you might meet them again on the way back down’. It’s just good to smile and treat people with respect!
What do you think? Is this good advice? Is it better to tell young people to work it out for themselves? Or are there better answers?
Hi Joanna. It’s great to hear that they were sufficiently self-confident to ask, and you must have come across to them as approachable and worth asking. No easy answers of course and there isn’t a ‘one size fits all’ list. For teenagers it’s time they got to know themselves - what kind of personality, what are their main skills and abilities. Your point about having a sense of direction rather than a plan is spot on. there’s also the old adage, it ain’t what you know it’s who you know. Build your network and keep working at it. When it comes to particular careers or jobs they should ask themselves whether they enjoy it, are they good at it and does it pay a living? Families - for men, marry a younger woman; for women, start having your children before you’re thirty and still have the energy to bring them up. And ensure you have some years of freedom in middle age.
Excellent advice.